Level of stress about same (although might not be totally free from meds yet), so still have to decide something here. I will probably cave in when the pain returns, but will see.
Was amazed at being unable to talk today at miss therapist, I really wanted to say something, but just couldn't form any thought or sentence. Rocked back and forth with empty mind, froze, tried to calm down, no dice. I couldn't get myself out of that for I think about 15mins. But since time is such an evil entity I'm not sure about that. But eventually we managed to get past the blocks and the things I apparently can't say under stress.
Cute new flashy insight about why my memory works this way, never really had thought about it. Whenever I'm in bed sober I run the past day (or days) through my head, evaluating every event, labeling it, connecting it to whatever appropriate and fit it in. I actually do that in mornings too (after going to sleep not sober), I go recall what I have done, what I have dreamed. I think I can trace back about any trivial fact from as long a short term memory is and fit it in a long term memory. Totally automated and integrated in my system.
Almost each day my mother asked me: What did you do today? Nothing was a totally bad answer. And I had to dig in my memory to tell her everything I had done, so she could punish me for something I had done wrong that day. In her world (and hence also in mine) the possibility of me having done nothing wrong didn't exist. So each day I searched frantically for something that was maybe wrong but wouldn't get her too angry. Trial and error. She could basically explode over anything that seemed harmless. During the periods that we had started with a clean slate (oh, how I loathe that expression), I had to be able to recall everything from start till the moment she had accumulated enough wrongdoings from me to be able to claim I apparently didn't want us all to be one happy family.
And another cute new insight. The thought I ever have to encounter my mother again makes my level of stress rise to an almost new dimension. Maybe it's because I feel very unstable right now and not up to any encounter with her at this moment. Maybe this is something lasting so I can keep a grip on the last remains of my sanity. I tried for 14 years to pretend everything was all fine and collapsed when kiddo reached the age my memory says the world is a scary place. I thought I could be neutral whenever I would see her again, but the thought in itself renders me immobile almost instantly. I can't fit in the broken me (and yes, I am broken, that I have made bypasses to be able to function and survive up till today doesn't mean I am unbroken) and kiddo and my mother in the same system.
Nobody should ever be like me. Nobody should ever be made like me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Back to our own normality.
I guess.
Quit meds yesterday, since I need to test if I get same stress reactions from therapist without. Suffering bitsy from withdrawal, temp rising (back to normal now though). Our latest conclusion about going panic about this whole child abuse is mainly because whenever someone claims it is, I think I have to do something with it. And I know I'm not capable of dealing with that. I can talk about it, ignore it most the time, but I don't think I want to do something with the core. I have bypasses for most the symptoms (I think), but sometimes I just fall back. I wasn't ready for my reaction to therapists reactions, and the logical next questions about it.
So my major stress from past days was how to fit the new data in, since I really thought I had the bypasses to handle it. Apparently I never made a bypass for someone claiming this all to be child abuse, since I never heard it like that. It's like, hum, if I can call my x nuts, that doesn't give you right to do same. Not sure about that mechanism, except it exists.
Also these past days have made some other points clear, we are relating sorta positive to both shrink and creative therapist and not sure how to handle that right now. I also have worked out ways to get past certain imprints, but we still fall back under severe stress. So I need ways to not fall back when major changes happen. I can totally not start any new relations, but that will only reduce the chance of major changes, it won't change my reaction to them.
So have to get back tomorrow talking to miss therapist about my mother and check stresslevel, if no real stress (except the part about the relating to therapist and whatnot) I can safely conclude stress from past week is from not anticipating enough towards my reactions. Also have to exclude the overreacting since we don't want therapist meetings to stop (which is inherent to starting to relate to it).
On a total sidenote, I don't think I will regret having no contact with my parents. Not sure yet how to fit in the siblings/family, but contact with my parents that refuse a part of our history will not help me in any way and will only make me feel more bad. I'm just wondering if I will feel anything if they would die. I don't think I will feel anything since I shut off that part years ago, but then again can't be sure about those things ever till they happen. I've been dwelling in my past for a few days now and I felt absolutely nothing (not counting the constant high stress level during past days), maybe if we can fix this connection between events and feelings. Not sure if we should go there even.
Quit meds yesterday, since I need to test if I get same stress reactions from therapist without. Suffering bitsy from withdrawal, temp rising (back to normal now though). Our latest conclusion about going panic about this whole child abuse is mainly because whenever someone claims it is, I think I have to do something with it. And I know I'm not capable of dealing with that. I can talk about it, ignore it most the time, but I don't think I want to do something with the core. I have bypasses for most the symptoms (I think), but sometimes I just fall back. I wasn't ready for my reaction to therapists reactions, and the logical next questions about it.
So my major stress from past days was how to fit the new data in, since I really thought I had the bypasses to handle it. Apparently I never made a bypass for someone claiming this all to be child abuse, since I never heard it like that. It's like, hum, if I can call my x nuts, that doesn't give you right to do same. Not sure about that mechanism, except it exists.
Also these past days have made some other points clear, we are relating sorta positive to both shrink and creative therapist and not sure how to handle that right now. I also have worked out ways to get past certain imprints, but we still fall back under severe stress. So I need ways to not fall back when major changes happen. I can totally not start any new relations, but that will only reduce the chance of major changes, it won't change my reaction to them.
So have to get back tomorrow talking to miss therapist about my mother and check stresslevel, if no real stress (except the part about the relating to therapist and whatnot) I can safely conclude stress from past week is from not anticipating enough towards my reactions. Also have to exclude the overreacting since we don't want therapist meetings to stop (which is inherent to starting to relate to it).
On a total sidenote, I don't think I will regret having no contact with my parents. Not sure yet how to fit in the siblings/family, but contact with my parents that refuse a part of our history will not help me in any way and will only make me feel more bad. I'm just wondering if I will feel anything if they would die. I don't think I will feel anything since I shut off that part years ago, but then again can't be sure about those things ever till they happen. I've been dwelling in my past for a few days now and I felt absolutely nothing (not counting the constant high stress level during past days), maybe if we can fix this connection between events and feelings. Not sure if we should go there even.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Kiddo and me, how so symbiotic?
Yes I think I have to consider my level of stress is correlated to the level of stress from kiddo. I don't know the other way around.
Looking back to everything regarding my attachment to kiddo is basically fear to repeat mistakes of my parents (in other words, we have to watch carefully about not breaking it). So stress, anxiety, frustration from kiddo goes 1:1 directly to me. Specially if I can't seem to fix it or soothe her in some way. I'm not sure this hyperdrive stress I am in works her way through kiddo and she goes more waa from it. But I try to restrain it in every possible way I know. Which in return means I'm totally incapable of doing anything or make decisions not related to kiddo.
At this moment I think being around me isn't the most healthy for anyone unstable, yet I also think that with me is the only place kiddo can be right now. Which makes up for a lot of stress, since I feel I'm not competent enough, while also knowing there is no frecking place for her to go.
I don't think kiddo is ready to be without me yet. Not really willing to explore the possibilities of me alone. So thoughts of me killing us both once in a while are entering again. Indeed that would end it all while I still have fulfilled my obligation to look after her till the end.
I can't handle not being able to fix her very visible pains, I have to keep reminding myself this is probably a phase connected to her change in hormone levels while she's growing up. Tiring. Also if she is somewhere a bit autistic (unacceptable from her point of view though, but still open for me) the whole hormone/body change might need more care and attention than I can give her. Since we're basically clueless. I work from my memories and detached feelings how I should relate to her but it goes harder the more stress I have and the less references I have.
And yes, apparently I am very stressed right now. I am trying to control this, getting heartbeat lowered each time I notice we're back in hyperdrive, but going through all these memories and trying to fit in feelings isn't making it less stressful either. I do feel however I have to get past this to be able to be around functioning for kiddo till she is ready to live on her own.
If I had known pondering things regarding my parents with miss therapist would cause this much panic I would have skipped it for now. Since I also can't handle not understanding my own reactions, so I have to rethink, reponder, refigure it out to fit everything back in the whole picture. I honestly thought I was past some points and could actually talk about it and see it neutrally. Going in a state of panic (and to be honest, never really left it after past thursday) makes me wonder. Either I just buried it, or I went in stress because relation with miss therapist develops so I feel less need to control everything or I'm regressing in a badly pace. I know I am broken in some ways. But I also thought I had bypasses for most and just went frantic because of last relation that was eating me up. We hate change. It takes so much time to adjust, but we get there. I thought I was getting out of it, but the panic and stress from last two weeks have proved me wrong somehow (I don't like it!).
Looking back to everything regarding my attachment to kiddo is basically fear to repeat mistakes of my parents (in other words, we have to watch carefully about not breaking it). So stress, anxiety, frustration from kiddo goes 1:1 directly to me. Specially if I can't seem to fix it or soothe her in some way. I'm not sure this hyperdrive stress I am in works her way through kiddo and she goes more waa from it. But I try to restrain it in every possible way I know. Which in return means I'm totally incapable of doing anything or make decisions not related to kiddo.
At this moment I think being around me isn't the most healthy for anyone unstable, yet I also think that with me is the only place kiddo can be right now. Which makes up for a lot of stress, since I feel I'm not competent enough, while also knowing there is no frecking place for her to go.
I don't think kiddo is ready to be without me yet. Not really willing to explore the possibilities of me alone. So thoughts of me killing us both once in a while are entering again. Indeed that would end it all while I still have fulfilled my obligation to look after her till the end.
I can't handle not being able to fix her very visible pains, I have to keep reminding myself this is probably a phase connected to her change in hormone levels while she's growing up. Tiring. Also if she is somewhere a bit autistic (unacceptable from her point of view though, but still open for me) the whole hormone/body change might need more care and attention than I can give her. Since we're basically clueless. I work from my memories and detached feelings how I should relate to her but it goes harder the more stress I have and the less references I have.
And yes, apparently I am very stressed right now. I am trying to control this, getting heartbeat lowered each time I notice we're back in hyperdrive, but going through all these memories and trying to fit in feelings isn't making it less stressful either. I do feel however I have to get past this to be able to be around functioning for kiddo till she is ready to live on her own.
If I had known pondering things regarding my parents with miss therapist would cause this much panic I would have skipped it for now. Since I also can't handle not understanding my own reactions, so I have to rethink, reponder, refigure it out to fit everything back in the whole picture. I honestly thought I was past some points and could actually talk about it and see it neutrally. Going in a state of panic (and to be honest, never really left it after past thursday) makes me wonder. Either I just buried it, or I went in stress because relation with miss therapist develops so I feel less need to control everything or I'm regressing in a badly pace. I know I am broken in some ways. But I also thought I had bypasses for most and just went frantic because of last relation that was eating me up. We hate change. It takes so much time to adjust, but we get there. I thought I was getting out of it, but the panic and stress from last two weeks have proved me wrong somehow (I don't like it!).
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Can I has fix please?
Is this really what it all boils down to? Trauma, brain altering, fixed patterns, broken connection.
Fight, flight, freeze.
There has to be a way to change it. Also how did this manage to go so unnoticed by everyone. Also have to evaluate the meds, again.
They keep me soothed (I guess that's the right phrase here), which in itself isn't so bad. Yet I still panic when I have to consider certain things, like finding work, fitting the real role of my parents in. If! (unacceptable though) this is just the way it is, then I don't think I want to swallow pills the rest of my life, since it just won't change anything. Knowing what part is broken, how it got broken will have to do then, which I consider a huge bonus already after all these years of guessing what was wrong (or different! let's not judge this) with me. So if, I will cut down meds again and see how that works.
Hum, either way meds seem to be useless.
So now we have to figure out how to repair or bypass this. Back to reading about brains I guess.
Fight, flight, freeze.
There has to be a way to change it. Also how did this manage to go so unnoticed by everyone. Also have to evaluate the meds, again.
They keep me soothed (I guess that's the right phrase here), which in itself isn't so bad. Yet I still panic when I have to consider certain things, like finding work, fitting the real role of my parents in. If! (unacceptable though) this is just the way it is, then I don't think I want to swallow pills the rest of my life, since it just won't change anything. Knowing what part is broken, how it got broken will have to do then, which I consider a huge bonus already after all these years of guessing what was wrong (or different! let's not judge this) with me. So if, I will cut down meds again and see how that works.
Hum, either way meds seem to be useless.
So now we have to figure out how to repair or bypass this. Back to reading about brains I guess.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Broken
There is nothing where there should be at least something. Anger, frustration, fear, sadness. Just plain nothing (and well course, the vague amusement there is nothing).
Yes, I can talk about my past, but apparently only in a neutral form, like it didn't happen to me. Not even like I was even present, just stories I heard. I thought that because I could be that neutral I was past it. Had fit it in the proper place, it's in the past, we can move on. That the only reason I felt frustration (or anger or both) about it was because my parents refused to talk to me about it, explain things that I didn't and don't understand. The how and why. But apparently I just detached it (or got detached?).
Did that happen when I gave up fighting? When I stopped caring? Or was it actually the other way around. Did I stop caring because I had killed the connection between me and what happened to me. It wasn't something conscious. I can remember the fear and panic and then nothing.
Why did I do that. How do I undo that.
I know I have every right to be angry at my parents. They adults, I child, blah. I know I don't need to feel guilty about that, I know I wasn't able to change the situation, I know I know I know. Yet, nothing. Except that I panic whenever I try to look at it the way I probably (really? why?) should. Which has no logical reason.
Hum was that when my background brain started to be. The always watching, always sober and neutral part of my brain.
Yes, I can talk about my past, but apparently only in a neutral form, like it didn't happen to me. Not even like I was even present, just stories I heard. I thought that because I could be that neutral I was past it. Had fit it in the proper place, it's in the past, we can move on. That the only reason I felt frustration (or anger or both) about it was because my parents refused to talk to me about it, explain things that I didn't and don't understand. The how and why. But apparently I just detached it (or got detached?).
Did that happen when I gave up fighting? When I stopped caring? Or was it actually the other way around. Did I stop caring because I had killed the connection between me and what happened to me. It wasn't something conscious. I can remember the fear and panic and then nothing.
Why did I do that. How do I undo that.
I know I have every right to be angry at my parents. They adults, I child, blah. I know I don't need to feel guilty about that, I know I wasn't able to change the situation, I know I know I know. Yet, nothing. Except that I panic whenever I try to look at it the way I probably (really? why?) should. Which has no logical reason.
Hum was that when my background brain started to be. The always watching, always sober and neutral part of my brain.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My odd list or list of my oddness
Aligning light-switches - did since if aligned right I would not be woken by my mother in the middle of the night, still do, not sure why.
Counting certain street tiles on way to school - did since was always same amount so that was good.
Not stepping on broken tiles or stepping on lines between tiles - just had to be done to thwart evil.
Smacking back of head against walls - did to stop thoughts I think, also pretty movement.
Not sleeping in new places - scary, too many undefined sounds, varies still.
Most objects have own place and order - less odd, but pang of panic when it's in different place (and yes, I put everything back where it belongs).
Forming patterns from things - pretty!
Numbers on digital clocks - pretty!
Trying to find the start and end of patterns from everything that looks like it's randomly different.
Counting windows, wall, ceiling and floor-tiles, in buildings and not liking when it's not symmetric.
Repetitive things (does this deserve its own subgroup?) -
Rocking back and forth
Rocking on chairs
Teaspoon hitting on hand
Click pens
Twirling things
Clapping fingers
Moving one leg while sitting with toes pressed to ground
Listening to same piece of music
Playing repetitive comp-games
Doesn't look so bad! Maybe more to come.
Laundry! Somehow I got colored pegs, so we hang laundry with the pegs in same order of coloring always. Purple, pink, white, red and then we go odd if we have more laundry, since the remaining pegs are bad.
Counting certain street tiles on way to school - did since was always same amount so that was good.
Not stepping on broken tiles or stepping on lines between tiles - just had to be done to thwart evil.
Smacking back of head against walls - did to stop thoughts I think, also pretty movement.
Not sleeping in new places - scary, too many undefined sounds, varies still.
Most objects have own place and order - less odd, but pang of panic when it's in different place (and yes, I put everything back where it belongs).
Forming patterns from things - pretty!
Numbers on digital clocks - pretty!
Trying to find the start and end of patterns from everything that looks like it's randomly different.
Counting windows, wall, ceiling and floor-tiles, in buildings and not liking when it's not symmetric.
Repetitive things (does this deserve its own subgroup?) -
Rocking back and forth
Rocking on chairs
Teaspoon hitting on hand
Click pens
Twirling things
Clapping fingers
Moving one leg while sitting with toes pressed to ground
Listening to same piece of music
Playing repetitive comp-games
Doesn't look so bad! Maybe more to come.
Laundry! Somehow I got colored pegs, so we hang laundry with the pegs in same order of coloring always. Purple, pink, white, red and then we go odd if we have more laundry, since the remaining pegs are bad.
Utter failure.
I can't. I know how it is called. I can call it child abuse myself, but not out loud and not when talking to a therapist. It's wrong, it doesn't compute, it can't be. It can't be. I know it is but it also isn't. And my brain goes bad.
I don't want to say the proper expression for it, I don't want it acknowledged even, I simply refuse it. And I don't know why. Nothing really will change, the world won't explode, they're not coming to take me away anymore, just a slight shift in view. That's all. Yet I cannot. I will not. It is not. Not! Not! Not! Not!
The most far I can get is claiming they went too far. Maybe. I can't. I thought I could. I thought was just a matter of well changing sides or something. I'm not that bad, they're not that good, blah. But I can't. Apparently. Can't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't even know why I panic when I try. I don't want to act all confused and panicky, since there's nothing happening, there's nothing really wrong. I just want to curl up and run away. But I can't either.
Gaah! I have to, so I will.
Back to facts. Kiddo might be more or less like me. Kiddo will not accept any diagnosis that something is wrong in her brain. If, but we're threading on thin ice now, kiddo is an unbroken me, I should be able to filter out what part of my behavior is me and what part has become me. Theoretically. This is important why? Because I need to know how I have to react to not break kiddo. Knowing means I have something I can relate to. This is me, this is kiddo, this is the world, this is my relation to them all. Does this mean I actually have to think about how I got raised? Hum. Or is it enough if I can just filter me versus made-me. Or is this a cunning bypass to not name, judge or do anything else with it.
That I panic means something goes wrong. Hence I should at least get to the point I can get through the panic. Back to neutrality I guess.
I don't want to say the proper expression for it, I don't want it acknowledged even, I simply refuse it. And I don't know why. Nothing really will change, the world won't explode, they're not coming to take me away anymore, just a slight shift in view. That's all. Yet I cannot. I will not. It is not. Not! Not! Not! Not!
The most far I can get is claiming they went too far. Maybe. I can't. I thought I could. I thought was just a matter of well changing sides or something. I'm not that bad, they're not that good, blah. But I can't. Apparently. Can't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't even know why I panic when I try. I don't want to act all confused and panicky, since there's nothing happening, there's nothing really wrong. I just want to curl up and run away. But I can't either.
Gaah! I have to, so I will.
Back to facts. Kiddo might be more or less like me. Kiddo will not accept any diagnosis that something is wrong in her brain. If, but we're threading on thin ice now, kiddo is an unbroken me, I should be able to filter out what part of my behavior is me and what part has become me. Theoretically. This is important why? Because I need to know how I have to react to not break kiddo. Knowing means I have something I can relate to. This is me, this is kiddo, this is the world, this is my relation to them all. Does this mean I actually have to think about how I got raised? Hum. Or is it enough if I can just filter me versus made-me. Or is this a cunning bypass to not name, judge or do anything else with it.
That I panic means something goes wrong. Hence I should at least get to the point I can get through the panic. Back to neutrality I guess.
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