Defense mechanisms serve a purpose. Mostly survival, some protection against more harm. Or something. They react fast, since well standing in front of speeding truck/wild elephant for too long won't keep you alive or safe. I know that repeating is the way to create a shortcut or pattern that is easily accessible (ya, commercials know that too!) and that your brain can either think too long that a mechanism serves that purpose or has some hidden agenda about what benefits you, I just don't see how that relates to physical pain.
When pain occurs your body/brain tries to tell you something is wrong. Nothing is wrong now (or so I believe), yet I'm in pain. I know that I won't be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, I know I won't be smacked silly for something I don't understand was wrong. I'm fine my brain doesn't know that still. But why pain. What is my brain trying to tell me.
I know I will feel shitty whenever I dig into my past too much, but it won't kill me really. Since thoughts cannot do that. Not sure yet if digging into it will change the future, but I think I concluded that that was about the only thing I hadn't done so far to fix certain issues, so why does my brain not agree on that. Since I'm concluding it doesn't since it's sending random pain-messages all over. What would be worse than physical pain here. Or did my brain just go nuts on its own level.
What is this hardcoded thing. I know my brain doesn't like me telling certain things, since it freezes and removes the bridge between thoughts and words. But I can bypass that by just describing those things differently. And it makes sense my brain blocking that. Wasn't wise to talk about things, since that could bring pain. Still that doesn't seem to relate to the pain now.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Internal errors
Or how your brain tires itself.
Today miss therapist gave me the task to write about what difficulties or hindrances I have in every day life (whenever whatever stress I have), why they are so difficult and where/how they are related to my past.
Apparently this is exactly what I have problems with. And the main problem every day.
This assignment is too open for different interpretations and there are too many different ways of doing it, hence I am scared I will do it wrong, doing things wrong was never a good thing. So that gets me straight into the next conflict. I have to do this, since we agreed I would, but I don't want to do it, since I might fail getting it right. Not doing it means I can't go to next appointment since then I have to admit I didn't do it, maybe find excuses, lie about it some, which all could cause troubles. Doing it means I will be scared what reaction I will get. And the insecurity of not knowing that might outweigh the stress of not doing it.
Since I'm feeling quite okay (or decently stressfree) past weeks, I only have to handle the stress coming from this assignment, which means in the end I will just write something, go all waa to appointment, then sorta semi refuse to hand it in until I thoroughly explained it to the bone, making a total mess out of it, confusing both me and therapist and then probably am done with it, since well, therapist isn't my mother. Nor am I afraid of her and/or her reactions if I just think normally about it (which might be another problem).
Just what path of stress to choose. I semi ignore this for a week, be stressed I still have to do it, then do it last minute. Do it now, be stressed for a week I did it wrong, high probability of editing it for a week, stressed the edited parts only made it worse.
Also, does this count as proof I really really don't like changes? I started to write, then kinda noticed the trouble doing so, played bejeweled, noticed stress rise, pain in weird places, went for a nap, woke up sorta still way more tired than past weeks, still tired, just want to curl up and not think about anything. So I figured I could at least write about the process here.
Today miss therapist gave me the task to write about what difficulties or hindrances I have in every day life (whenever whatever stress I have), why they are so difficult and where/how they are related to my past.
Apparently this is exactly what I have problems with. And the main problem every day.
This assignment is too open for different interpretations and there are too many different ways of doing it, hence I am scared I will do it wrong, doing things wrong was never a good thing. So that gets me straight into the next conflict. I have to do this, since we agreed I would, but I don't want to do it, since I might fail getting it right. Not doing it means I can't go to next appointment since then I have to admit I didn't do it, maybe find excuses, lie about it some, which all could cause troubles. Doing it means I will be scared what reaction I will get. And the insecurity of not knowing that might outweigh the stress of not doing it.
Since I'm feeling quite okay (or decently stressfree) past weeks, I only have to handle the stress coming from this assignment, which means in the end I will just write something, go all waa to appointment, then sorta semi refuse to hand it in until I thoroughly explained it to the bone, making a total mess out of it, confusing both me and therapist and then probably am done with it, since well, therapist isn't my mother. Nor am I afraid of her and/or her reactions if I just think normally about it (which might be another problem).
Just what path of stress to choose. I semi ignore this for a week, be stressed I still have to do it, then do it last minute. Do it now, be stressed for a week I did it wrong, high probability of editing it for a week, stressed the edited parts only made it worse.
Also, does this count as proof I really really don't like changes? I started to write, then kinda noticed the trouble doing so, played bejeweled, noticed stress rise, pain in weird places, went for a nap, woke up sorta still way more tired than past weeks, still tired, just want to curl up and not think about anything. So I figured I could at least write about the process here.
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