Same old

Nothing new. For some time I just feel I'm a nag. I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay, why do I bother others with the same shite over and over. Luxury problems. I have nothing to add. Apparently this is it. Quality of life. Happiness. Words. Yes, I would have been different if I was raised different. I can fret about that, but I've tried not to, since it wouldn't change anything. How would changing view on your past make a difference. I don't see it. That doesn't seem to change what I think now. How I view myself and the world now. I think. I can't be sure of anything right now.
I don't like my past much, I have nothing with my future since it's not here. I like now. I try to enjoy now. I try to do things now that I enjoy. I try to control now. My now, my reality. Miss therapy mumbles about looking forward to things, planning in the future. Things she's sure I would have if only. I can't be that sure. I can say that everything in the future would cause less stress with a different childhood. I can't say how I can get there without the stress. Everything that is uncertain causes stress to some extent. My joy is in the now. I might go do something that I might enjoy, but how can I know till it's happening. It might not happen at all. It might not be enjoyable. Something might go wrong.
And I still feel like a nag. Lately. Or before that I didn't think about it enough. Now I seem to have time and room to question myself again. And I do. Why am I not moving along. Or am I.

Knowledge is all?

I'm not sure that I feel guilty or if I'm just sure that I am. To be precise I don't feel all that much. There's facts mostly. And since I usually just accept facts for what they are and find a way to not let them bother me much, I don't see how that would change anything for me. Would it really make any difference in how I act and react now if I would change that stance? I don't see it. But then again, apparently there are many things I don't see.

According to my standards I am not a good person and I am guilty. And again according to my standards that don't mean shite. You don't need to live like you are. You can always choose. Which is where I probably fail regarding to my past. I still think I had options, I could have done things different and I didn't. It is not relevant that those options were limited and that I wasn't an adult. It is not even relevant what other people did. Guilt, fault, words. I wasn't what my mother wanted, even though she might not even know that that was the message I got. And I can't blame her for that. I can say she's guilty of trying to force me into that something she wanted me to be. Both are true. Neither makes me feel anything. Facts again. What or how should I feel about my past. I really don't know.

Stuck. I don't know. I don't have a clue. I don't believe some things will change, I don't know if other things will have to change, I don't know how to change certain things, I don't know if it will do any good (or bad for that matter). Maybe it's because I don't know how to feel certain things (probably what miss therapy would say), but they just don't seem to exist. The lack of aggravation is also the lack of emotions whatsoever, which I think is fine (since I'm actually at ease at those moments).

Focus focus!

Past weeks I've only spend time writing silly mails to miss therapy which seemed to cover the need. Also a bit of embarrassment had crept in. Since I'm feeling more and more okay I'm also more and more aware that sometimes I just am silly, not coherent and that I'm really not adding anything new. And being aware there is some known and unknown public made me feel I had to be good. Nonsense! But still it haunted me a bit.
That said. I feel stuck again. Walls. Insight isn't enough to change things. Trains of thoughts. Facts and opinions. Like I can almost grab it if only I knew what to grab and how. Miss therapy is busy trying to find arguments or examples how my life would improve if I would have the full range of emotions or if I can change the perception of my past, like that is important to me. Those are just details. Or it's not a goal in itself. Not sure I have to spend a talk on that though.
I also randomly added being molested into conversations since a few months, just to see my reactions and I still see myself making dismissing gestures with it. No big deal, it's all well. It amuses me. And it doesn't seem to matter what words I use, I have to trivialize it. Partly I think to not make people uncomfortable, but that isn't the main reason (which still eludes me at this point, miss therapy would claim that it is because I don't believe it still, blaming self too much still, but I don't know).
So. Time for a new test (I'm sure there are better words for it, but I do feel I have put myself into a glass box in a fancy lab). I can't seem to change my perception by just listening to how others perceive my past, I know what events and stories seem more upsetting (no matter it's all same to me). I tried to just add those in, tried to look at it like it wasn't about me and I can't bypass the hard-wiring. I know how I should look at it, so I will (without the actual believe) and see where that will get me.
I have a problem with acknowledging I was a victim (that sounds so horrid it freaks me out), I prefer to think I could have done different, that my mother couldn't and that we were all trapped in the situation instead of just me being trapped there. While guilt is very subjective, it is somewhat easier to blame self than environment or other people (for me that is) since it gives me the illusion I'm still in control. I like control.

*grumbles*

I just don't know. I'm ok, you're ok. I have the idea it's all going better each week. Still some silly little relapses where I just want to nap and not do anything, but they don't disturb me. Pretty sure I'll be fine till kiddo leaves house to study and also sure by then I have figured out what to do with life. So what I do with miss therapy. It feels like I'm wasting the time of both of us, but might be same misplaced idea that I'm wasting time writing all this crap, lost the feeling it has a function other than just wanting to get attention (and also not sure it's the kind of attention that I want or need). But then again I do like attention and I like to talk and write. It's still sorta nice there's someone once a week who just sits there to listen to whatever (not sure it's that good I actually like that part). And not sure I want to go adventures machen in the direction she wants me to go. I'm too biased maybe or blind regarding some things that seem natural to others. I just don't see it and I'm rather fine with that, probably mostly because I don't know better. Is enlightenment really better. Miss therapy claims that my life would improve if I wouldn't kill my emotions (or argue them away). Not sure I'm up to delving into that, since I don't see how that would make me feel better about anything.
Also I totally lost track again. Too many different (yet so the same path) thoughts that want to get out, multitasking sometimes so isn't a blessing. So I guess I whine over blogwriting another time, since misstherapytasks keep getting annoyingly on the foreground. And I don't want to think about emotions from the past (when I still got blown away by them).

disillusion
caught me
autumn fog

Now what to do

I haven't felt better in ages. I still sleep decent, a bit short and as always very light most the hours, but I guess that won't change. Back to just drinking because I like booze and yes, I also like to be slightly intoxicated just for the sake of it. Gone is the feeling of despair when another day stretches ahead of me with endless hours of not knowing what to do while having to do things badly. No longer do I have to plan just one activity a day so I won't go utterly stressed and end up doing nothing at all. Still tired in between and naps whenever I've been outside a lot, but exhaustion is gone and I will have to assume that will go better (besides outside being a biatch and random socializing won't ever be one of my favorite activities). I can concentrate on reading whole books again (yay for books!). I think I can safely claim I'm finally recovered from another silly broken relation, it wouldn't have taken me over two years if my past hadn't interfered (or so I would like to believe).
So now what? New shrink wants to send me to an autism center for further diagnosis. And I might be slightly, but it's only an issue when totally stressed out, so not sure what it would add (besides being part of a growing society) nor if I need handles to cope with everyday life situations. Shrink and miss therapy would like to know at least, although I think shrink just wants to finish any diagnosis. Miss therapy wants to know how I work and if I'm just (wee!) traumatized or that there is more to it. Maybe I want to know what came first or what got triggered by what, but not sure I really do. Not sure if it's worth the trouble and to be expected stress. Knowledge isn't all that great or brains for that matter. I'm not looking for another breakdown (nothing wrong with being a coward once in a while, cowards do tend to live longer). So. Is it just learning new tricks to cope with trauma, adjusting views or will there really be a change. Can one unlearn planning each step and triple checking everything just in case. I don't know.

Rejoice for I can sleep without booze

Full nights. Admittedly I'm still tired daytime and wake up feeling exhausted a bit, but real sleep. I can has it. Together with better sleep my dreams seem to be less vivid too. Maybe that's because I refuse to think about the past for this week. Or maybe deeper sleep lets me miss most of them now. Going to bed at nights sober without lying awake for hours. Not even feeling the need to ponder about drinking some so I can maybe sleep for a few hours. Not counting the hours after dinner anymore for when it would be okay to have a drink. In fact I haven't been thinking about it much these past evenings. I just don't seem to feel like it anymore. So here I am sitting with a bottle of good whiskey next to my seat and not touching it. Odd or rather a bit of a new feeling after all these months of drinking. And yes I had to check if it was plain laziness to not drink (no way I'm gonna get up and walk all the way to the cupboard to fetch me a drink) or just no more need for it. I guess the drive is gone. Less need to stop my mind going around in circles, less need to simply kill time or make sure I don't do anything foolish.
Not sure if I was (or still am!) an alcoholic of some sort (even though I kept denying that (wasn't that a sure sign of being one?)), but I don't think it really matters. Pondering this just amuses me. Also I kinda hate thinking I need something. No booze = no sleep wasn't really making me happier. All seems to be going better in my little bubble. Going outside and socialize still makes me tired, but I don't collapse that much anymore when coming home nor do I nap anymore after. Will see how that sorts out after school starts again and I unleash some anger at it. Not sure if it's wise to start trouble now with me not being very stable emotionally, but then again I haven't been emotionally stable for probably all my life nor do I have any hopes I will get there or even if it's achievable.

Also I know I'm a bit chaotic in my lasts posts (more than normal that is) and also not very productive as of late. One of my favorite dutch writers wrote that happy people make lousy writers. He was right.

Perspective and nuancing

Takes me ages to get it. And then I feel more silly for not having seen it before. All those silly first-thoughts I have to keep fighting. So much easier to just let it flood me once in a while. And then I get angry. No! I don't want to think like that. I can do this. I will do this. Everything including time is relative. So I will get it right somewhere sometime. *glares*