42. But what is the question?

Will my life be better in any way if I get answers?
There might be a chance that I can more easily bypass certain mechanisms if I accept certain facts. Or so miss therapy claims. Or rather if I don't change my view on my past I will keep certain defensive systems that in a way are now obsolete and mostly hindering me. Is this true. Am I able to change my view from within. Do I need the validation.
I know that in any parent-child conflict that escalates, the parent should have not let it come to that. Yet, while I am still stuck at thinking that indeed I was a bad child (to some extent, from my mothers view), I can't do anything with that fact. I still need the thought that either my mother was mentally not really well and/or my mother really did what she thought was best. Which pops the next dilemma. Who should I be angry with. Everyone is to blame and none. If there is nobody to blame, there is nobody to get even with (if I would actually really wanted to go that way, since it's bad in itself). And yet, there is this anger.
I do not want to hear anyone claim that my past hasn't happened like it did.
I do not want to know that my mother was sane (well a different kind of sane than well sane).
I do not want to know everyone knew how it was and yet did nothing.
And yes, I know this is turning into something rather random, but I do not care! Since I'm now pondering ordering the t-shirt with Do Not Want.

I somehow hoped that my uncle wouldn't respond to my request of meeting so I could talk about my past, the same way I hope my brother forgot about my blog. There is no harm in having people who have no relation with my mother read this or know my version of the past. There could be with family, and still not sure if that would be good or bad.
But he did.
What did people see?
What explanation did my parents give about my leaving?
And how in the world will I get these answers without getting questions I might not be willing to answer.