*grumbles*

I just don't know. I'm ok, you're ok. I have the idea it's all going better each week. Still some silly little relapses where I just want to nap and not do anything, but they don't disturb me. Pretty sure I'll be fine till kiddo leaves house to study and also sure by then I have figured out what to do with life. So what I do with miss therapy. It feels like I'm wasting the time of both of us, but might be same misplaced idea that I'm wasting time writing all this crap, lost the feeling it has a function other than just wanting to get attention (and also not sure it's the kind of attention that I want or need). But then again I do like attention and I like to talk and write. It's still sorta nice there's someone once a week who just sits there to listen to whatever (not sure it's that good I actually like that part). And not sure I want to go adventures machen in the direction she wants me to go. I'm too biased maybe or blind regarding some things that seem natural to others. I just don't see it and I'm rather fine with that, probably mostly because I don't know better. Is enlightenment really better. Miss therapy claims that my life would improve if I wouldn't kill my emotions (or argue them away). Not sure I'm up to delving into that, since I don't see how that would make me feel better about anything.
Also I totally lost track again. Too many different (yet so the same path) thoughts that want to get out, multitasking sometimes so isn't a blessing. So I guess I whine over blogwriting another time, since misstherapytasks keep getting annoyingly on the foreground. And I don't want to think about emotions from the past (when I still got blown away by them).

disillusion
caught me
autumn fog

Now what to do

I haven't felt better in ages. I still sleep decent, a bit short and as always very light most the hours, but I guess that won't change. Back to just drinking because I like booze and yes, I also like to be slightly intoxicated just for the sake of it. Gone is the feeling of despair when another day stretches ahead of me with endless hours of not knowing what to do while having to do things badly. No longer do I have to plan just one activity a day so I won't go utterly stressed and end up doing nothing at all. Still tired in between and naps whenever I've been outside a lot, but exhaustion is gone and I will have to assume that will go better (besides outside being a biatch and random socializing won't ever be one of my favorite activities). I can concentrate on reading whole books again (yay for books!). I think I can safely claim I'm finally recovered from another silly broken relation, it wouldn't have taken me over two years if my past hadn't interfered (or so I would like to believe).
So now what? New shrink wants to send me to an autism center for further diagnosis. And I might be slightly, but it's only an issue when totally stressed out, so not sure what it would add (besides being part of a growing society) nor if I need handles to cope with everyday life situations. Shrink and miss therapy would like to know at least, although I think shrink just wants to finish any diagnosis. Miss therapy wants to know how I work and if I'm just (wee!) traumatized or that there is more to it. Maybe I want to know what came first or what got triggered by what, but not sure I really do. Not sure if it's worth the trouble and to be expected stress. Knowledge isn't all that great or brains for that matter. I'm not looking for another breakdown (nothing wrong with being a coward once in a while, cowards do tend to live longer). So. Is it just learning new tricks to cope with trauma, adjusting views or will there really be a change. Can one unlearn planning each step and triple checking everything just in case. I don't know.