and I'm not sure that is good or even how to get it back on.
Whenever I have nothing to do I just go random waa. Thoughts drifting.
drops of rain mix with
tears of unknown origin
they say it's summer
I don't even know what I waa about. Is it the whole thought of my mother being kinda maybe bitsy evil. That I lost something that I can't get back. That maybe some things can't be fixed. Or just I need to find the balance back. The right perspective, the right frame, law and order, the map with the big arrow that states: You are here.
Maybe I once again lack patience. I don't like it things like this takes this much time, effort (not to mention not liking that it might be permanent). I hate being like this. I hate things being unclear. I hate it even more that I can't seem to fix things myself. Or that my way of fixing is just not permanent enough. So I don't want to patch it up till I'm sure there is no other fix. If that even makes sense.
I have odd bad pains everywhere, I sleep like crap, I have horrid chase-dreams most of the night, I can't get drunk enough anymore. I blame all and everything. There is something I miss, something I cannot see. I know it's there. It has to be there (do I sound desperate? Maybe I am).
this is it
they named it life
it's just passing time
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
All of our sads. The followup.
Or the in between or the random excessive explaining further.
Again, it's not the actual abuse that is doing the majority of the damage. Yes, it hurts, it's bad, it's unwanted, it leaves scars and it shouldn't be. But for a kid whatever happens is just what happens. They have no other references, reality is in the making. They are building up a world from what they directly experience. They adapt to their environment so it will hurt the least, while still accepting everything as normal. Unless told different. And that is where anyone can make a difference. Really all it takes is just to tell the kid that something is wrong with the abuser. They won't love it less. They probably won't act any different. But the damage will be different. Everyone learns from others that pain is their own fault. A kid will kick the wall, hurt its foot and will blame the wall for the pain. It takes others to teach the child that the pain can't be blamed on the wall.
Staying silent when a child gets hurt by something not their fault is the same as actually inflicting the pain. While I can find excuses for the abuser (yes, I know it's also what I got taught by my mother, but there is a huge difference, since my mother was in pain too (I don't try to excuse the bad, just trying to give the explanation why it was more difficult for my mother to get out of it)), I have yet to find the excuses for everyone else. Stupidity and ignorance should never be an excuse.
The difference between you-are-getting-hurt-because-you-are-bad-because-you-exist and you-are-getting-hurt-because-someone-is-a-bit-sick.
I been struggling all my known life with the idea that something is really rotten in me. Something that has to be punished, terminated and killed. No matter there wasn't anything logical in what my mother wanted from me (from my point of view), silent outsiders taught me that my mother was right and I was badbadbad.
I don't know if I worded this right, I'm tired, sad and angry. So maybe I come back to this somewhere.
Again, it's not the actual abuse that is doing the majority of the damage. Yes, it hurts, it's bad, it's unwanted, it leaves scars and it shouldn't be. But for a kid whatever happens is just what happens. They have no other references, reality is in the making. They are building up a world from what they directly experience. They adapt to their environment so it will hurt the least, while still accepting everything as normal. Unless told different. And that is where anyone can make a difference. Really all it takes is just to tell the kid that something is wrong with the abuser. They won't love it less. They probably won't act any different. But the damage will be different. Everyone learns from others that pain is their own fault. A kid will kick the wall, hurt its foot and will blame the wall for the pain. It takes others to teach the child that the pain can't be blamed on the wall.
Staying silent when a child gets hurt by something not their fault is the same as actually inflicting the pain. While I can find excuses for the abuser (yes, I know it's also what I got taught by my mother, but there is a huge difference, since my mother was in pain too (I don't try to excuse the bad, just trying to give the explanation why it was more difficult for my mother to get out of it)), I have yet to find the excuses for everyone else. Stupidity and ignorance should never be an excuse.
The difference between you-are-getting-hurt-because-you-are-bad-because-you-exist and you-are-getting-hurt-because-someone-is-a-bit-sick.
I been struggling all my known life with the idea that something is really rotten in me. Something that has to be punished, terminated and killed. No matter there wasn't anything logical in what my mother wanted from me (from my point of view), silent outsiders taught me that my mother was right and I was badbadbad.
I don't know if I worded this right, I'm tired, sad and angry. So maybe I come back to this somewhere.
All of our sads.
That's about it. Anger flaring randomly, but is nothing compared to the total sadness of it all. This is just it. This is mankind. Bystanders. Watchers. Judges. I have not enough words to describe it properly. I wish I had. I cry.
Maybe I cry for myself and what I could have been. Maybe I cry for the world and how it should be but never will. Maybe I cry for mankind that cannot change. I don't know. I really don't.
All those people that mean so well and yet do so wrong. We watch. We judge. We turn away.
There is a new government campaign that made me angry, but thinking about it now just makes me more sad. Posters with sad kiddos, tattooed skin with random texts what parents in/after divorce apparently tell their kiddos and the message that what you say during a divorce can scar a child for life.
NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!
Please say it ain't so. How stupid are they to think that those posters will help or make a difference in any way.
Child-abuse in whatever form make kids suffer. Not because angry and frustrated people exist. Not because there are people that want to hurt them on purpose. Not because they can't fight back properly.
They suffer because people watch and turn away and hence create a normality which should not exist ever. The distorted view of how the world is, isn't made by the person that does the wrong, it is made by all those people that see and go blind. The ones that let it happen. They should be addressed. They should be pointed at. It is exactly that that teaches the hurt kiddos of the world that it is indeed normal they get hurt because they are badbadbad.
Maybe I cry for myself and what I could have been. Maybe I cry for the world and how it should be but never will. Maybe I cry for mankind that cannot change. I don't know. I really don't.
All those people that mean so well and yet do so wrong. We watch. We judge. We turn away.
There is a new government campaign that made me angry, but thinking about it now just makes me more sad. Posters with sad kiddos, tattooed skin with random texts what parents in/after divorce apparently tell their kiddos and the message that what you say during a divorce can scar a child for life.
NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!
Please say it ain't so. How stupid are they to think that those posters will help or make a difference in any way.
Child-abuse in whatever form make kids suffer. Not because angry and frustrated people exist. Not because there are people that want to hurt them on purpose. Not because they can't fight back properly.
They suffer because people watch and turn away and hence create a normality which should not exist ever. The distorted view of how the world is, isn't made by the person that does the wrong, it is made by all those people that see and go blind. The ones that let it happen. They should be addressed. They should be pointed at. It is exactly that that teaches the hurt kiddos of the world that it is indeed normal they get hurt because they are badbadbad.
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