Or bad me, for not able to handle. Maybe I shouldn't have started with such an overdose of outside and people. Maybe I overestimated myself again. Or maybe still all I want is just to be normal and hence I keep forcing myself to do all the things I think are normal. Like being around people. And I can't stand them. They are shallow and selfish, irritating and stupid and they are driving me nuts. Not that I think I'm any better, but at least I don't go outside to annoy random people with dumb questions and not-even-remotely-funny-remarks. Or so I hope. I don't know.
Yes it would be nice to have some more sun, no I don't know when it's high tide or if you can swim right now, yes this is a lovely place (even though mostly for you since I have to stand inside listening to people like you and smiling and nodding my time away), now go away please so I can go back pondering where I went wrong in my life.
Or what went wrong. Assuming something is wrong. Assuming other people know what to do when they encounter the same people again. I noticed it's too hard mostly, I can't get through all the chitchat people wade through before they reach some common ground where you can in some way relax together and talk. I lack patience I think. Or don't know, I lack something others seem to have. Or maybe they all scream inside too.
words like drops of rain
tumble to the ground, mostly
to make it muddy
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
So fragile
this balance or maybe it's imbalanced, although I'm not feeling so imba right now. Sore throat, head filled with cotton wads, and utterly not up to counter emo-kiddo-waa. The moment I break apart in whatever way kiddo breaks down some more. And I have to spend more effort to get her calm again. At moments like this I really wonder how long I (and hence we) will last. This relying on me solely has become more cumbersome over past year and I can't see a way out of the trap. Not only is there nobody I feel I can burden with it (partly me thinking I do this all wrong (and I still try frantically to cover up any mistakes I feel I'm making) and at same time I'm only one that knows what's best (which is course open for discussion and I'm not up for that either)) , but I also don't see how I can get kiddo to accept other people that close around her (which might also be part of my failed/failing upbringing, I don't know).
I'm not sure if she even sees how troubling or maybe just disturbing our relation is. The more crap she feels the more she refuses to even go out of sight and the more I feel strained by it. I have to fight the urge to just bury ourselves at home so kiddo (and to some extent me) can recover in our own bubble. Somewhere I feel that all we need is enough time with no outside pressure to do anything. Sit, slack, idle till we're ready to face the world and reality again. The past weeks outside (which was both mentally and physically exhausting for both of us) made me realize that I'm not ready. And if I'm not ready kiddo is not ready.
I feel bad and guilty since somehow I think I not only should have seen this coming but also should have been able to avoid it. Which course isn't helping in any way. And ye, I know I know I know. But still I feel I'm a crappy parent since doing your best sometimes just isn't enough or even good.
I'm not sure if she even sees how troubling or maybe just disturbing our relation is. The more crap she feels the more she refuses to even go out of sight and the more I feel strained by it. I have to fight the urge to just bury ourselves at home so kiddo (and to some extent me) can recover in our own bubble. Somewhere I feel that all we need is enough time with no outside pressure to do anything. Sit, slack, idle till we're ready to face the world and reality again. The past weeks outside (which was both mentally and physically exhausting for both of us) made me realize that I'm not ready. And if I'm not ready kiddo is not ready.
I feel bad and guilty since somehow I think I not only should have seen this coming but also should have been able to avoid it. Which course isn't helping in any way. And ye, I know I know I know. But still I feel I'm a crappy parent since doing your best sometimes just isn't enough or even good.
Monday, August 8, 2011
!^%*(^^##$%#$
Curse you blog for forcing me to come up with fancy titles each time.
Curse you bureaucracy.
Curse you people that can't think.
Curse you all for making systems that are as limited as you.
Curse you for refusing to see outside the box.
Curse you world for the lack of logic or even common sense.
Curse you social harness.
Curse you Library of the Unseen University for not being mine.
Curse you mankind for coming up with a holodeck while unable to actually make me one.
Curse you society for being.
Curse you body for not doing what I want.
May your net be sluggish with random disconnects, may your children be too smart and may you live long to see them struggle, may you discover after death that there is a god and that it isn't yours, may science find the one theory that explains the universe and may it contain that fruit flies are in fact the superior species.
Curse you bureaucracy.
Curse you people that can't think.
Curse you all for making systems that are as limited as you.
Curse you for refusing to see outside the box.
Curse you world for the lack of logic or even common sense.
Curse you social harness.
Curse you Library of the Unseen University for not being mine.
Curse you mankind for coming up with a holodeck while unable to actually make me one.
Curse you society for being.
Curse you body for not doing what I want.
May your net be sluggish with random disconnects, may your children be too smart and may you live long to see them struggle, may you discover after death that there is a god and that it isn't yours, may science find the one theory that explains the universe and may it contain that fruit flies are in fact the superior species.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
