this balance or maybe it's imbalanced, although I'm not feeling so imba right now. Sore throat, head filled with cotton wads, and utterly not up to counter emo-kiddo-waa. The moment I break apart in whatever way kiddo breaks down some more. And I have to spend more effort to get her calm again. At moments like this I really wonder how long I (and hence we) will last. This relying on me solely has become more cumbersome over past year and I can't see a way out of the trap. Not only is there nobody I feel I can burden with it (partly me thinking I do this all wrong (and I still try frantically to cover up any mistakes I feel I'm making) and at same time I'm only one that knows what's best (which is course open for discussion and I'm not up for that either)) , but I also don't see how I can get kiddo to accept other people that close around her (which might also be part of my failed/failing upbringing, I don't know).
I'm not sure if she even sees how troubling or maybe just disturbing our relation is. The more crap she feels the more she refuses to even go out of sight and the more I feel strained by it. I have to fight the urge to just bury ourselves at home so kiddo (and to some extent me) can recover in our own bubble. Somewhere I feel that all we need is enough time with no outside pressure to do anything. Sit, slack, idle till we're ready to face the world and reality again. The past weeks outside (which was both mentally and physically exhausting for both of us) made me realize that I'm not ready. And if I'm not ready kiddo is not ready.
I feel bad and guilty since somehow I think I not only should have seen this coming but also should have been able to avoid it. Which course isn't helping in any way. And ye, I know I know I know. But still I feel I'm a crappy parent since doing your best sometimes just isn't enough or even good.
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