Rejoice for I can sleep without booze

Full nights. Admittedly I'm still tired daytime and wake up feeling exhausted a bit, but real sleep. I can has it. Together with better sleep my dreams seem to be less vivid too. Maybe that's because I refuse to think about the past for this week. Or maybe deeper sleep lets me miss most of them now. Going to bed at nights sober without lying awake for hours. Not even feeling the need to ponder about drinking some so I can maybe sleep for a few hours. Not counting the hours after dinner anymore for when it would be okay to have a drink. In fact I haven't been thinking about it much these past evenings. I just don't seem to feel like it anymore. So here I am sitting with a bottle of good whiskey next to my seat and not touching it. Odd or rather a bit of a new feeling after all these months of drinking. And yes I had to check if it was plain laziness to not drink (no way I'm gonna get up and walk all the way to the cupboard to fetch me a drink) or just no more need for it. I guess the drive is gone. Less need to stop my mind going around in circles, less need to simply kill time or make sure I don't do anything foolish.
Not sure if I was (or still am!) an alcoholic of some sort (even though I kept denying that (wasn't that a sure sign of being one?)), but I don't think it really matters. Pondering this just amuses me. Also I kinda hate thinking I need something. No booze = no sleep wasn't really making me happier. All seems to be going better in my little bubble. Going outside and socialize still makes me tired, but I don't collapse that much anymore when coming home nor do I nap anymore after. Will see how that sorts out after school starts again and I unleash some anger at it. Not sure if it's wise to start trouble now with me not being very stable emotionally, but then again I haven't been emotionally stable for probably all my life nor do I have any hopes I will get there or even if it's achievable.

Also I know I'm a bit chaotic in my lasts posts (more than normal that is) and also not very productive as of late. One of my favorite dutch writers wrote that happy people make lousy writers. He was right.

Perspective and nuancing

Takes me ages to get it. And then I feel more silly for not having seen it before. All those silly first-thoughts I have to keep fighting. So much easier to just let it flood me once in a while. And then I get angry. No! I don't want to think like that. I can do this. I will do this. Everything including time is relative. So I will get it right somewhere sometime. *glares*

Feeling like a fool.

It's all fine and dandy to just describe things. This is my past. This is me. This is where I am broken. This is what I want. Since I still can keep a certain distance. But then we get to points where conclusions have to be turned into changes and everything is wrong and nothing is ok anymore. And I go confused from all mixed signals from within.
Don't talk to what happens at home, other people have no business with that. Like hell I will talk. I'm an adult. Why shouldn't I talk about it. It keeps me busy and off the streets. This is my life. And what a life it is. Talking will only show people how silly you have been. You always have tried to play victim, and people will see right through that. If only you would put all that effort into being a good kid, none of this would have happened. But I really tried to be good. That doesn't matter no does it when nobody can see you did good. Do you think I like to be forced to be around you and see how everything gets ruined by you. But.
And then yes, I did break things, I did steal candies, I did lie, I didn't listen, I broke the rules. And it all stops again. I can see how we both got to certain bad points. I can see how it was me that kept triggering all her bad sides. It doesn't seem to matter she shouldn't have gone triggering all over the place for each silly mistake. I know I was wrong, because I was there. It doesn't matter that my wrongs didn't really justify the reactions, they were still wrongs. So yes, I can just talk about it. I just can't do anything with it. Since either way I feel stupid and silly. From it-wasn't-really-that-bad to I-did-this-to-myself to where-two-fight-two-are-wrong. And then we have to add in the child-parent relation and positions shift, and I turn into this pile of guilt. If you hit your parents your hand will grow out of your grave. Gawd the end of Carrie was shocking *hides* And I feel silly for feeling guilty for just trying to figure this out and discussing it with people. And I feel silly for blaming myself for it all. And I'm just not sure pinpointing the more correct views will change those silly feelings of silliness, not to mention having no clue how to get there.
One of my mothers favorite sayings was: Just act normal, then you're doing crazy enough. And I think I have been kicking that stupid saying since I left house. This is normal me, want to see what my crazy is? Here have some. I can decide for myself now and you all *points* will not be able to stop me or hurt me for doing so. And likely that's the only one of the many favorite sayings of my mother I've been fighting for real. Silly. Silly. More silly.

nuts, she pointed out
grow on hazels or my mom
consumed either way

Why blog?

And the best answer naturally: Because I can. Or on the same level: Why not?
Besides that there are some subreasons. I need to write or talk about something to distill how I think about it. It's all in my head but unsorted, kk, I have all these scraps lying around, now what are they actually telling me? Blog is like a middle course between burdening people around me with same stories, questions and hangups over and over (at least till I somehow have fitted them in somewhere) while not stuck talking to myself running around in the same circles and still having a place where they could read stuffs I'm busy with if wanted (well I don't count me poking them about new blogposts since clearly I don't force them to go there no?).
I needed something that kept my notes and random thoughts together and wouldn't get lost whenever I changed comp or would be hell to sort after and would give me the ability to write whenever I had a comp and net somewhere (not that I intended to go places, but still, one has to look ahead). Also my handwriting is crap to decipher (after a day also for me) and I didn't want to be forced to spend hours of rewriting things in a sorta readable hand (since that also has the risk of just throwing it away or adjusting it to current moodswing).
I started it just to give me something to do while not very able to do much. Then I wanted to start again with the hideous story-of-my-life. Then got up to wanting to keep track of medicine use and side-effects, then got back to really digging into past. And now I guess it's all of that.
A new subreason started somewhere once I figured out I can just point people to blog instead of telling them alllll myself. Look here, I'm a bit odd, go read blog.
Also. I like to write. A lot.