Knowledge is all?

I'm not sure that I feel guilty or if I'm just sure that I am. To be precise I don't feel all that much. There's facts mostly. And since I usually just accept facts for what they are and find a way to not let them bother me much, I don't see how that would change anything for me. Would it really make any difference in how I act and react now if I would change that stance? I don't see it. But then again, apparently there are many things I don't see.

According to my standards I am not a good person and I am guilty. And again according to my standards that don't mean shite. You don't need to live like you are. You can always choose. Which is where I probably fail regarding to my past. I still think I had options, I could have done things different and I didn't. It is not relevant that those options were limited and that I wasn't an adult. It is not even relevant what other people did. Guilt, fault, words. I wasn't what my mother wanted, even though she might not even know that that was the message I got. And I can't blame her for that. I can say she's guilty of trying to force me into that something she wanted me to be. Both are true. Neither makes me feel anything. Facts again. What or how should I feel about my past. I really don't know.

Stuck. I don't know. I don't have a clue. I don't believe some things will change, I don't know if other things will have to change, I don't know how to change certain things, I don't know if it will do any good (or bad for that matter). Maybe it's because I don't know how to feel certain things (probably what miss therapy would say), but they just don't seem to exist. The lack of aggravation is also the lack of emotions whatsoever, which I think is fine (since I'm actually at ease at those moments).

Focus focus!

Past weeks I've only spend time writing silly mails to miss therapy which seemed to cover the need. Also a bit of embarrassment had crept in. Since I'm feeling more and more okay I'm also more and more aware that sometimes I just am silly, not coherent and that I'm really not adding anything new. And being aware there is some known and unknown public made me feel I had to be good. Nonsense! But still it haunted me a bit.
That said. I feel stuck again. Walls. Insight isn't enough to change things. Trains of thoughts. Facts and opinions. Like I can almost grab it if only I knew what to grab and how. Miss therapy is busy trying to find arguments or examples how my life would improve if I would have the full range of emotions or if I can change the perception of my past, like that is important to me. Those are just details. Or it's not a goal in itself. Not sure I have to spend a talk on that though.
I also randomly added being molested into conversations since a few months, just to see my reactions and I still see myself making dismissing gestures with it. No big deal, it's all well. It amuses me. And it doesn't seem to matter what words I use, I have to trivialize it. Partly I think to not make people uncomfortable, but that isn't the main reason (which still eludes me at this point, miss therapy would claim that it is because I don't believe it still, blaming self too much still, but I don't know).
So. Time for a new test (I'm sure there are better words for it, but I do feel I have put myself into a glass box in a fancy lab). I can't seem to change my perception by just listening to how others perceive my past, I know what events and stories seem more upsetting (no matter it's all same to me). I tried to just add those in, tried to look at it like it wasn't about me and I can't bypass the hard-wiring. I know how I should look at it, so I will (without the actual believe) and see where that will get me.
I have a problem with acknowledging I was a victim (that sounds so horrid it freaks me out), I prefer to think I could have done different, that my mother couldn't and that we were all trapped in the situation instead of just me being trapped there. While guilt is very subjective, it is somewhat easier to blame self than environment or other people (for me that is) since it gives me the illusion I'm still in control. I like control.