Past weeks I've only spend time writing silly mails to miss therapy which seemed to cover the need. Also a bit of embarrassment had crept in. Since I'm feeling more and more okay I'm also more and more aware that sometimes I just am silly, not coherent and that I'm really not adding anything new. And being aware there is some known and unknown public made me feel I had to be good. Nonsense! But still it haunted me a bit.
That said. I feel stuck again. Walls. Insight isn't enough to change things. Trains of thoughts. Facts and opinions. Like I can almost grab it if only I knew what to grab and how. Miss therapy is busy trying to find arguments or examples how my life would improve if I would have the full range of emotions or if I can change the perception of my past, like that is important to me. Those are just details. Or it's not a goal in itself. Not sure I have to spend a talk on that though.
I also randomly added being molested into conversations since a few months, just to see my reactions and I still see myself making dismissing gestures with it. No big deal, it's all well. It amuses me. And it doesn't seem to matter what words I use, I have to trivialize it. Partly I think to not make people uncomfortable, but that isn't the main reason (which still eludes me at this point, miss therapy would claim that it is because I don't believe it still, blaming self too much still, but I don't know).
So. Time for a new test (I'm sure there are better words for it, but I do feel I have put myself into a glass box in a fancy lab). I can't seem to change my perception by just listening to how others perceive my past, I know what events and stories seem more upsetting (no matter it's all same to me). I tried to just add those in, tried to look at it like it wasn't about me and I can't bypass the hard-wiring. I know how I should look at it, so I will (without the actual believe) and see where that will get me.
I have a problem with acknowledging I was a victim (that sounds so horrid it freaks me out), I prefer to think I could have done different, that my mother couldn't and that we were all trapped in the situation instead of just me being trapped there. While guilt is very subjective, it is somewhat easier to blame self than environment or other people (for me that is) since it gives me the illusion I'm still in control. I like control.
That said. I feel stuck again. Walls. Insight isn't enough to change things. Trains of thoughts. Facts and opinions. Like I can almost grab it if only I knew what to grab and how. Miss therapy is busy trying to find arguments or examples how my life would improve if I would have the full range of emotions or if I can change the perception of my past, like that is important to me. Those are just details. Or it's not a goal in itself. Not sure I have to spend a talk on that though.
I also randomly added being molested into conversations since a few months, just to see my reactions and I still see myself making dismissing gestures with it. No big deal, it's all well. It amuses me. And it doesn't seem to matter what words I use, I have to trivialize it. Partly I think to not make people uncomfortable, but that isn't the main reason (which still eludes me at this point, miss therapy would claim that it is because I don't believe it still, blaming self too much still, but I don't know).
So. Time for a new test (I'm sure there are better words for it, but I do feel I have put myself into a glass box in a fancy lab). I can't seem to change my perception by just listening to how others perceive my past, I know what events and stories seem more upsetting (no matter it's all same to me). I tried to just add those in, tried to look at it like it wasn't about me and I can't bypass the hard-wiring. I know how I should look at it, so I will (without the actual believe) and see where that will get me.
I have a problem with acknowledging I was a victim (that sounds so horrid it freaks me out), I prefer to think I could have done different, that my mother couldn't and that we were all trapped in the situation instead of just me being trapped there. While guilt is very subjective, it is somewhat easier to blame self than environment or other people (for me that is) since it gives me the illusion I'm still in control. I like control.
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