Balance

Is hard. Constant being on the edge, always scared to cross the line accidentally. Any line. And there are so many. And they are vague. Where exactly is the line between sanity and insanity. I know getting naked, rolling in peanut butter and running around the streets while yelling: My pants are on fire, would be accounted for insanity. But that is a bit too obvious, first of all a real waste of food, secondly it might get cold and whatever. The point is where do you know that preferring to sit at home gets to the insanity part. Where goes trying to avoid stress beyond normal. Not wanting to talk to people. Questioning motives, reasons, reactions. Analyzing self (ya and motives, reasons, reactions and questioning them).
I do not know. I am my own normality. My own center. Everything I see is evaluated by me only. My moral, my view, my way of thinking, my normality. I think therefor I am unhappy. Brain surgery anyone?
I am made by me. My past, my now, even my future. And how do you remake yourself. I don't believe in that one cure, that certain way of life to make it all better. I don't believe I'm seeing the world from a wrong perspective. I might be though. But what does it matter. Why (besides the please don't make me work (or have any other things that throw me out in the social world) or I kill someone reason) did I go out to try find a therapistthingie.
In my world it is morally wrong to get a kiddo and abandon it before it is an adult. And since I'm trying to live by my own standards I can't do anything to jeopardize taking care of it. Which technically means no jail, no compulsary admission, no suicide, no loss of custody.
And in all honesty, I don't really want to live. The constant thinking. How long does a child needs its parents. At what point can you say, this is it.
What I want from a relation is more than I can ask for. Total devotion, constantly acknowledging my existence, confirmation, being first priority. Yet, I don't think I can handle if I would get that really. I wouldn't be able to keep the relation balanced, since the more you get, the more you want (ya, I know I'm not very coherent right now). At this point I'm pretty sure the relation I actually need doesn't exist for me. And since I'm human (and hence want to be part of the herd), I'm just not up to play solo.