This year for the first time kiddo birthday didn't stress me out. She didn't want to be social. Didn't want visitors. So for the first time in about ten years I didn't have to worry about anything. I'm good at worrying.
Always the need to weigh everything from 'I so mustn't do it the way my parents did' to 'I so mustn't overreact and do only the opposite of my parents' is really tiring. And since about two years I can't even do that. I have to figure it out all by myself (which is tiring too). I hope during all those years I managed to keep it balanced, but I can't really judge that. Birthdays were horror. My birthdays at my parents place never really were all that fun (for as far as I can remember that is), but after my 11th birthday it got even worse. My grandfather died that day. The family visiting, the family visiting the hospital where he was. The family mourning. After that my mother seemed to have a valid excuse to behave odd to me and could openly dislike it that that day belonged to me. How I dared to laugh and be happy when it was her father that had died on that same day.
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