Sober, awake and tired

How depressing is that?
I am counting the days. Again. Well I count the hours too. Again. Five more days of semi-sanity. And then? I don't know. I'm scared. I'll be alone for three full weeks. I don't know what will happen. I'm noticing I'm preparing myself, but I don't know what I'm preparing for. So tired. I watch movies and cry. Sometimes it's good to have an excuse for crying (although I have to admit corny comedies and cartoons are maybe a bit weak as cry-excuse, but it's better than nothing I guess).
What am I preparing for? I don't know. I have been drinking more and more past days, wondering if that's good or bad. I sleep and dream. Booze doesn't stop the dreaming anymore. So I'm sober again. And wide awake. It's not nightmares, it's just that dreams and reality seems to be mixed up all the time. And costs me more and more to shake them off. And too often I don't know if I've dreamed something or if it happened for real, or rather it's too mixed to know where the dream ended and the reality hit in again or the other way around. Is this just part of the getting older process (I must say it's a bit intriguing if anyone actually knows what changes in thoughts during that process) or does this mean I'm losing my sanity more and more.
I never was without random strange insane thoughts, but that's just what they were, thoughts. Thoughts without action are harmless. Not knowing if things are thoughts or dreams or reality might be another level completely. Should I be worried? I am. How to stay sane enough? Three weeks is a mighty long time.