Or rather how much longer can I control my anger, my rage. Or how can I get it out of the system without harming anyone. Or how can I lock it up forever.
Or well maybe I don't want to control it any longer, tired of the fighting and the struggling to stay socially acceptable, to not get pushed over the border of sanity. So tired, so angry. And I can't see it. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I stay beyond angry. And I'm scared of what will happen if I do let go, let it be. Cities might burn, people might die, buildings might be demolished. Or maybe nothing will happen and I will be happyhappyjoyjoy forever. But can I take that risk? So far, I think not. It is tempting though, since my rage is enough to want to watch the cities burn.
So I lock myself up again, take another drink, smoke another cigarette, rant some more. I've thought about lots of fancy topicnames (from 'Watch me lose my sanity' to 'Where is that anger-managementclass when you need one') and even why I should bother to be public about this. I guess I care enough to want to be read and not care enough who reads it.
Or maybe so I can tell people I warned them if only they would have checked millions of blogs to find mine *hides*
The long hours of the night, the endless hours of the day. Alone with the rage. Alone with the fear. Everyone is alone and I really wonder how they can cope with it. Deep down inside everyone should be aware there is only you and your sick thoughts. Or maybe I am alone in that also (and no, I don't believe that). So. How do you cope with it? What is it that enables you to live past all the crap? To shake it off like it's nothing. It goes harder and harder for me or rather I have more and more difficulty to just let things pass.
So many little things that irritate me and makes me want to scream and hit things with a bat. Or a flamethrower. A chainsaw.
I don't know. I really don't know. The world isn't fair, the people are mostly selfish. So what makes it worthwhile.
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About controlling anger or not: I've bottled mine up pretty successfully for years now. You'll hardly ever see me mad about anything, and if so, it'll probably only be a glare or a short rant - most likely just a sarcastic comment.
ReplyDeleteThe downside: all that anger *has* to go somewhere, and without any outlet it just keeps eating at me, I guess. Which I still prefer to having it out there hurting other people, but it's probably not healthy either.
Best option would be some sort of middle way where you air your anger without hurting others (too much). Still trying to figure out how to pull off that one without blissful ignorance.
About being alone: Blissful ignorance would help, again? :P Other than that - the people who are aware of it don't really cope with it, I guess. Unless they go violent, suicidal or just nuts. :)
I've controlled and bordered my rage for too long (although I still do, so it's probably not too long yet). I think I've even fed it by swallowing new insults, new griefs, new pain and be in my own sick way proud to be able to carry them. 'Hah! Watch me world, you're not going to get me.'
ReplyDeleteNow it's just one pile of something I don't even have a name for and it wants to be free. Like it's an entity by itself, because it grew bigger than what I am.
I want to let it go and watch. See what it really is I carried and fed and nurtured all these years. But we don't know what will happen. It's that uncertaintly that's killing. Maybe if I do grab someone and beat it severely with a blunt object it will be done with. Or maybe I created my own loose cannon finally.
I don't mind the loneliness in itself. It's there, we can pretend sometimes that we're not when we're with friends, but there's always the empty hours somewhere. I can handle that. I mind that while we're alone we still bump into people and situations that are sickening. No way to avoid that. Things that drive me mad because they seem wrong, unjust and no way of fixing them (unless a flamethrower can be called fixing course). The combination of my rage and the world I have to face (one needs to have toiletpaper once in a while no?) starts to be too much.
So far we keep screaming inside and hoping for those electroshocks, the brainsurgery, the padded cell. Or blissful insanity which is probably the highest freedom of mind one can get.