Side pondering

Now what is disturbing me so much about this whole diagnosis. Why do I keep weighing all options. Why in fact do I even have to be so sure whether or not it is true. I'm letting myself get distracted by getting mad at every incompetent one before that never got to this point, never was able to diagnose a depression or never was good enough to actually make me consider it.
Since I'm considering it for real and I'm not liking it. Did I know and just never wanted to do anything with it.
Since I ruled out a personality disorder there's only two (ya well three) options left. I'm depressed, most likely most of my life. I'm just realistic with some cynical points, but otherwise as normal as I can be. There is something else (ya this was the third one!), totally unknown yet.
If I'm normal am I just trying to avoid needing ambitions, taking up (more) responsibility, trying to have an excuse to not be social when I don't feel like it (which is most the times) and how normal would that actually be. So maybe I have to rule that out too.
Leaves depression and the big unknown. What would be the benefits of being depressed and not accepting it. Treatment will not work if I don't accept, since most likely I just hog up more meds for whenever the feeling arises it should end now, nor would I take any psychotherapy serious enough to do something with it. See points for being normal.
If I accept a depression, I have to fix it. But it scares me. It would mean going back to getting a job, which is about the one thing I am trying to avoid for a long time now. I can live with how things are now, I think. I can't live with the whole idea of having a job again. Ever. But, should that be considered part of having a depression. Or maybe I am just done with anyone telling me how to spend any part of my day and is this all a game of making sure I never have to get there again. I cannot say that before trying to accept the diagnosis and fixing it. Yes, I don't think I can accept it's not fixable. Since it would mean there's something in me that I can't control.
So that leaves only one conclusion. May the force be with me.