How can this ever be good?

I can't see it. I can't see how to turn this into something not destructive. Knowing that stuff wasn't right, but keeping blame somewhere in middle wasn't pretty but it was bearable. In a way. It always gave me some escape to just let it rest, to stay vague and to keep it away from me. Like it never really happened to me. Just a sad story. I know bad stuff happened, I know it wasn't my fault (really? yes really). But it meant nothing to me.  Like so many things have no meaning for me. And I just ignored all real thoughts about it. Somehow letting thoughts flow semi-freely makes me feel frustrated, angry and sad. And how is that good?
I don't know how realizing how broken you are will do you any good. And looking around just makes me see how broken I am. For real. Random chitchat and all social conventions have a meaning to others. For me it was like a trick I had to learn to not be totally outcast. And I'm good at tricks. They are tiring and annoying, but I learned them well. And I never really realized it wasn't a trick for most other people. It's a normality I don't think I ever get. If I wanted I could dig back into all criticism I've ever gotten after I left parental house (I prolly got some from others back then too but they never stood out more than criticism of my mother so I can safely assume it had no impact on me) and trace back all I do different now because of me adjusting to it. Just to not be wrong somewhere. (Don't mind me for not being coherent, it's really hard to stay on track since I don't even know the track.) Or not adjusting at all and doing more of it, only because I only had to weigh it in my own logical way and either dismiss or adjust. I so carefully built up a working person that I don't even know what's below that. Besides sadness and rage. And I'm afraid that's all there will be left if I am forced to strip away the shell. And how can that be good? I've done things in my past that neutrally speaking weren't right, I just did because I could and it had no meaning to me. I've treated some people very harsh just because they lost their use for me. And not feeling guilty really (cept at some vague point about me being evil).
When I see blatantly happy people who do not think about their actions I just want to set them on fire or make them scream in agony in whatever other possible way. If the sun shines while I'm moody and I had means to take it down I probably would. Or well that's mostly my line of reasoning, whenever I think about I should have had a different past. I could have been different. That I am made like this and you all (yes you all *points*) will have to pay for it. Must pay for it. Since well it isn't my fault I'm like this and so unattached and I got robbed of things I can't grasp. Since I can't undo what has been done, I can't become how I should have been and I will never even know how that would be. I can't even imagine how life would be without the fear of doing something I will be punished for in whatever way or even how to ever get there. I can't see how realizing that is not how it's supposed to be will ever make me feel better.