I loathe being me.

I dislike being so emotional, so unbalanced, so unsure of my reactions. Trying to keep busy with nothing just so not to let my mind wander, but there are too many hours in the day and I'm tired. The empty evenings and nights are the worst, too much time. I dread being alone yet the thought of seeking company scares me more. I want all and nothing. I don't know, everything is messed up. I'm not sure if it's good or bad I feel I'm going worse. Or maybe I've read too much, I really don't know. I don't think I want to cope with a few more years of this, yet I fear I will have to since well kiddo. It's fine yet it's so wrong. I'm not fit for this, not the right person, not the right place, not the right time.I can't, but I will.
I'm not sure if I'm in control still and I loathe that too. I feel the urge to control at least something so I'm back to weight and booze. I mostly want to curl up in a corner. I loathe being so incoherent.

I wait for thunder
rain to wash it all away
but all is drizzle