I think. And not even sure how I got there. Stuck inside my head. All thoughts returning to the uselessness of everything since I was of no use. Short unfinished and deleted rants about all my shortcomings, revolving around the impossibility of ever doing everything right (including the difficulty in defining right). Meta-meta-meta-reasoning. Unable to get anything done. Unwilling. Just tired of running around in circles. And not seeing it, not understanding. Not that I claim I can see or understand it now. I just feel unstuck. Damn you miss therapy, you are good. Not that I have a clue where I am heading or even if there is something to head for. But I can move again.
Self-pity mixed with arrogance and wanting to be recalcitrant topped (or rather blended) with the general idea I was making a fool of myself (one of my mothers favorite ideas about me) isn't very stimulating in any way (besides burning down some very ugly buildings). And as always we get back to my mother. The omnipotent presence, big brother. I know. Oh how I know. I don't fear her or her reactions anymore (how I have matured!), I just fear the world. There is people there. They are illogical, they change the rules without telling you, they can reject you and they do and will. With no ill meaning. Oh no. They mean so well. Yet they do so wrong. So I'm stuck between not knowing if rules have been changed so I will totally fark up or just not do anything (which really sometimes is less tiring).
it's winter she said
look at me, I'm a statue
frozen till spring comes
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