Back to reality

I feel drained. I'm back to sitting and trying to nap in between. Two nights of tiresome dreams, two days of endless hours stretching ahead of me. There goes the idea I'm almost ready for reality. And I start to wonder (once again) if I ever will be. Past weeks weren't really all that bad, it was mostly me not being able to handle all the people and strongly disliking I couldn't handle. Too many happy families, too many children, too many moments where I felt robbed of things I should have had.
Now that I actually rethought the past I know that most the times children do actually have fun and relax, that their fun usually won't backfire and explode in their faces and I watched that with a certain bitterness (that I loathed). Bitterness, envy, sadness. Those short moments I let my mind wander I just cried (and yes, disliking that too). And the twisted part of my brain just wanted to demolish. Maim, rape, slaughter. Too much happiness. And I wonder where it will end. I've talked to people, it didn't make me happier or more satisfied. I can find more people and squeeze information about my past from them, but for what use. I can fill in the blanks rather accurate I think and somehow it's not enough. It's never enough. I can never get back what I lost or never had. And I'm torn between anger and sadness.

someone told me time
is linear
I agree math sux