Back to our own normality.

I guess.
Quit meds yesterday, since I need to test if I get same stress reactions from therapist without. Suffering bitsy from withdrawal, temp rising (back to normal now though). Our latest conclusion about going panic about this whole child abuse is mainly because whenever someone claims it is, I think I have to do something with it. And I know I'm not capable of dealing with that. I can talk about it, ignore it most the time, but I don't think I want to do something with the core. I have bypasses for most the symptoms (I think), but sometimes I just fall back. I wasn't ready for my reaction to therapists reactions, and the logical next questions about it.
So my major stress from past days was how to fit the new data in, since I really thought I had the bypasses to handle it. Apparently I never made a bypass for someone claiming this all to be child abuse, since I never heard it like that. It's like, hum, if I can call my x nuts, that doesn't give you right to do same. Not sure about that mechanism, except it exists.
Also these past days have made some other points clear, we are relating sorta positive to both shrink and creative therapist and not sure how to handle that right now. I also have worked out ways to get past certain imprints, but we still fall back under severe stress. So I need ways to not fall back when major changes happen. I can totally not start any new relations, but that will only reduce the chance of major changes, it won't change my reaction to them.
So have to get back tomorrow talking to miss therapist about my mother and check stresslevel, if no real stress (except the part about the relating to therapist and whatnot) I can safely conclude stress from past week is from not anticipating enough towards my reactions. Also have to exclude the overreacting since we don't want therapist meetings to stop (which is inherent to starting to relate to it).

On a total sidenote, I don't think I will regret having no contact with my parents. Not sure yet how to fit in the siblings/family, but contact with my parents that refuse a part of our history will not help me in any way and will only make me feel more bad. I'm just wondering if I will feel anything if they would die. I don't think I will feel anything since I shut off that part years ago, but then again can't be sure about those things ever till they happen. I've been dwelling in my past for a few days now and I felt absolutely nothing (not counting the constant high stress level during past days), maybe if we can fix this connection between events and feelings. Not sure if we should go there even.