Utter failure.

I can't. I know how it is called. I can call it child abuse myself, but not out loud and not when talking to a therapist. It's wrong, it doesn't compute, it can't be. It can't be. I know it is but it also isn't. And my brain goes bad.
I don't want to say the proper expression for it, I don't want it acknowledged even, I simply refuse it. And I don't know why. Nothing really will change, the world won't explode, they're not coming to take me away anymore, just a slight shift in view. That's all. Yet I cannot. I will not. It is not. Not! Not! Not! Not!
The most far I can get is claiming they went too far. Maybe. I can't. I thought I could. I thought was just a matter of well changing sides or something. I'm not that bad, they're not that good, blah. But I can't. Apparently. Can't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't even know why I panic when I try. I don't want to act all confused and panicky, since there's nothing happening, there's nothing really wrong. I just want to curl up and run away. But I can't either.
Gaah! I have to, so I will.

Back to facts. Kiddo might be more or less like me. Kiddo will not accept any diagnosis that something is wrong in her brain. If, but we're threading on thin ice now, kiddo is an unbroken me, I should be able to filter out what part of my behavior is me and what part has become me. Theoretically. This is important why? Because I need to know how I have to react to not break kiddo. Knowing means I have something I can relate to. This is me, this is kiddo, this is the world, this is my relation to them all. Does this mean I actually have to think about how I got raised? Hum. Or is it enough if I can just filter me versus made-me. Or is this a cunning bypass to not name, judge or do anything else with it.
That I panic means something goes wrong. Hence I should at least get to the point I can get through the panic. Back to neutrality I guess.