Random new data to fit in

Level of stress about same (although might not be totally free from meds yet), so still have to decide something here. I will probably cave in when the pain returns, but will see.
Was amazed at being unable to talk today at miss therapist, I really wanted to say something, but just couldn't form any thought or sentence. Rocked back and forth with empty mind, froze, tried to calm down, no dice. I couldn't get myself out of that for I think about 15mins. But since time is such an evil entity I'm not sure about that. But eventually we managed to get past the blocks and the things I apparently can't say under stress.
Cute new flashy insight about why my memory works this way, never really had thought about it. Whenever I'm in bed sober I run the past day (or days) through my head, evaluating every event, labeling it, connecting it to whatever appropriate and fit it in. I actually do that in mornings too (after going to sleep not sober), I go recall what I have done, what I have dreamed. I think I can trace back about any trivial fact from as long a short term memory is and fit it in a long term memory. Totally automated and integrated in my system.
Almost each day my mother asked me: What did you do today? Nothing was a totally bad answer. And I had to dig in my memory to tell her everything I had done, so she could punish me for something I had done wrong that day. In her world (and hence also in mine) the possibility of me having done nothing wrong didn't exist. So each day I searched frantically for something that was maybe wrong but wouldn't get her too angry. Trial and error. She could basically explode over anything that seemed harmless. During the periods that we had started with a clean slate (oh, how I loathe that expression), I had to be able to recall everything from start till the moment she had accumulated enough wrongdoings from me to be able to claim I apparently didn't want us all to be one happy family.
And another cute new insight. The thought I ever have to encounter my mother again makes my level of stress rise to an almost new dimension. Maybe it's because I feel very unstable right now and not up to any encounter with her at this moment. Maybe this is something lasting so I can keep a grip on the last remains of my sanity. I tried for 14 years to pretend everything was all fine and collapsed when kiddo reached the age my memory says the world is a scary place. I thought I could be neutral whenever I would see her again, but the thought in itself renders me immobile almost instantly. I can't fit in the broken me (and yes, I am broken, that I have made bypasses to be able to function and survive up till today doesn't mean I am unbroken) and kiddo and my mother in the same system.
Nobody should ever be like me. Nobody should ever be made like me.