Broken

There is nothing where there should be at least something. Anger, frustration, fear, sadness. Just plain nothing (and well course, the vague amusement there is nothing).
Yes, I can talk about my past, but apparently only in a neutral form, like it didn't happen to me. Not even like I was even present, just stories I heard. I thought that because I could be that neutral I was past it. Had fit it in the proper place, it's in the past, we can move on. That the only reason I felt frustration (or anger or both) about it was because my parents refused to talk to me about it, explain things that I didn't and don't understand. The how and why. But apparently I just detached it (or got detached?).
Did that happen when I gave up fighting? When I stopped caring? Or was it actually the other way around. Did I stop caring because I had killed the connection between me and what happened to me. It wasn't something conscious. I can remember the fear and panic and then nothing.
Why did I do that. How do I undo that.

I know I have every right to be angry at my parents. They adults, I child, blah. I know I don't need to feel guilty about that, I know I wasn't able to change the situation, I know I know I know. Yet, nothing. Except that I panic whenever I try to look at it the way I probably (really? why?) should. Which has no logical reason.

Hum was that when my background brain started to be. The always watching, always sober and neutral part of my brain.