Apparently I do have ambitions.

And goals.
I need to figure this shit out. That's basically it!

Most my looking for why's came from things that I considered a problem. Since I think that if you know and understand the process you can change it more easy. I refuse to accept that something cannot be changed. Ever. It might mean that we lack the ability to understand how it works, hence we can't change it. Go back to the core or process or whatsnot and you should be able to change the end result. Action - reaction.
Ever since I just let things (well some at least) happen and then go figure out what's happening why I've been enlightened on a daily basis. So I could say I probably aim for knowing myself fully, which in itself sounds crap (even to me!), but I do think it could lessen the stress and up the happiness-level from kiddo, while at same time might be able to fix some things with me. At one point in my life I decided to never lie to myself again (apparently I totally overlooked some things there), which yes sometimes didn't make me more happy about myself and complicated some things, but overall it did make life more easy. I know I'm a grumpy bitch sometimes but I also know why and I also don't give shit about that either. I just want to be simply just that. And after some time I smack myself out of it and move on, I don't need to find excuses or fake arguments, I know I am and I enjoy those moments, since well I am human (I think!) and hence selfish. I got rid of having to justify most my actions for myself.
So far I noticed everything related to kiddo has huge impact on me (and other way around apparently) and I miss certain data to understand it fully. Hence I need to fill in the missing data. I know there is something similar with us, just not yet sure about the what and the why and how to fit the pieces together.

So many missing pieces apparently.
I know my body mostly, emotions (where what is located and the physical reaction), touch (self, random people, people I have some form of connection with, people I have a certain commitment with), when ovulation happens(?) for instance and when I should expect period coming. But I totally missed the relation between physical pain and stress (working on that).
I know (I think) how my brain works and can relate it to body (yaddayadda, pain we're working on!). I know why I do certain things the way I do. Yet so many things I haven't questioned yet.

Blah drunk, I will edit/fix this another time I guess.