Self esteem or maybe something else.

For me there is a huge difference between wanting to die and the urge to kill yourself. Maybe why I keep resisting this depression diagnosis. I am not depressed. Or well, I still think I am not. Ignoring the fact that I still see no bad in thinking about suicide at some point in my life (self control above all!), I don't want to die. I don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm dead-tired from people I encounter that are shallow, stupid and ignorant, but I don't see why I should kill myself if I see them as the problem (and hence prefer to kill them).
Really, if I wanted to die, I would be dead. People should give me at least credit for that. The fact that I'm still alive means I don't want to die. It feels like the same odd question about motivation about a study I once wanted to start. Why ask me if I'm motivated to do this, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here in the first place. Apparently this question is normal.
I question a lot every day, but I rarely question my worth. If I'm struggling with past self image I don't need to question it, since if that is me I shouldn't exist, cannot exist. There are no questions besides how to vanish as quickly as possible.
I don't understand how so many people are living on with apparent low self esteem. How? Or well, how keep on living with that without adjusting anything. And no, I don't count insecurity as low self esteem. But the constant feeling of being not good enough should drive people to either adjusting that or giving up and suicide. How can you not add in positive feedback and confirmation about being okay or okay enough.
Miss therapist asked me how I made a positive new self image and I'm not sure if I understand the question. How can you not if the self image you have just wants to find the self-destruct-button. I just did.