Motivations

For a long time I have stated that everything someone does can be backtraced to something selfish, a pure egoistic motivation. I still think I am right. There is no basic selfless act. It all evolves around what makes someone happy. I could elaborate on this more, but I so won't.
I have trouble talking about the dept of my past, thinking about it doesn't make me happy. Yet, I don't want it to be unknown. I don't want to be seen as someone you have to pity because it had a crappy childhood (way too many have), but I still don't want to die with it. I am pretty sure my mother has this locked away forever (I don't really believe in those deathbed-confessions) and if I was her I would probably do the same. I don't know, I'm torn between yelling it out, making it all public and keep silent ever after. So this is my compromis I guess. The past can never be unmade, but it sets the future anyway.
Yes, it highly disturbs me to even ponder the idea that my mother actually enjoyed trying to break me. But maybe in the end it was just a trench war. If she would care to admit she is probably the only person that knows me for real and the other way around. Everyone was fed illusions, me being insane, my mother being the caring disturbed one.
I think I blame the bystanders most. Look at me! Can't you see something is wrong? I know I'm trying to hold on to the believe my mother really didn't see any other way to react to me. I might be wrong, she might knew what she was doing to me. Maybe others saw it, maybe they didn't. Fact is, nobody ever interfered. They just let it happen, they let my mother build up that world for me where everyone ignored on a certain level what was happening to me. Including me.
I don't know. I still am trying to find excuses for other people in this. How could they have seen? How could they have known? How could they have done different? But I still resent them.