How?

To solve this conflicting idea of me. I don't know how to phrase that better.
If we are all build up by parts of own mind and the way people look at us (and show that in some way), over time I guess that makes a sorta solid picture of self which is considered true. Or the way people want us to be and try to change/mold us to fit in that mental picture of how someone is which is true and false. If those people have enough power/influence/time (maybe) there is less and less room for own mind parts and hence makes it more true even though it is false.
Whenever someone tries to force those parts of own mind into a mall that doesn't fit (or their image of how you are/should be), you either try to resist or fight it or you force yourself to make it fit better. If resistance is futile or you can't win the fight, you give in. This makes you able to function (or live), since I think people need a certain level of harmony in their environment and if they can't change the world outside them to give them that certain level they try to change their inside.
Hum, this so isn't making much sense I think (I blame new meds).
I know the self created/forced by my mother is false, but it still stays true on some basic level. Since no opinion existed or mattered outside my mother. The world she created for me complemented her view on me and thus forced me to adjust to that mental picture or die. There was no room for anything else.
I know the self I created/build after my mother is from remains of all that wasn't broken by her and different feedback from other people. And even though it fits me better and is more true, I have to watch it regularly and repair whenever the other image overlaps somewhere. I can live with that.
At this moment both these selves exist with same level true/false. And I cannot live with the conflict. It can't be both true, yet it is. Ignoring that living with the idea that someone hates you so much it wants you erased isn't very comforting in itself, but I think I can and will over time place that outside me. My mothers self cannot do anything else than not wanting to exist, wanting to die, because that would be the only way to keep universe balanced or if I am that self there is no way I can live with myself, since that self is hideous and I don't want it to be. And as long as both exist on same level I feel I am slowly crumbling. Each day being more tedious and tiring to check what is more true or what should be more true and keeping it together. And it eats up everything else I'm supposed to do.