I really have no right to curse at stupid parenting, people that should be removed from the gene-pool and obvious bad choices for quite some time now. I guess for about 8 years now even.
Let's talk about sex baby...
I have mostly tried to ignore the fact that sex could lead to spreading of genes. For about most my life. Which is stupid. And quite blatantly so. Did I learn from that mistake? Not really. No matter how well I knew that I didn't want to raise another kiddo all by myself I let the big whining genes that wanted to be spread out-yell the little warning voice that kept saying I shouldn't reproduce more. I've been ignoring the whole issue for too long now though. And tried to either not think about it, pretending that there wasn't an issue, making up false arguments about why I didn't need to bother about any birth controlling ever.
Yes, yesh, ya, really, yes! I want babies, lots. Always. I love babies (not children, babies). I go all fluff whenever a thought about babies enter my brain. Owww babies! My first period was when I was 11. And my first coherent idea about that was that I would be able to get babies now. Nowhere ever did I have doubts about wanting them. That you could actually consider not having them didn't even cross my mind till I noticed there were people that saw it as optional. Wait what. You can not want them? Wow. I thought getting them was a question of not being able to reproduce, not as actual preventing them to get born. Birth control was just something you did until you were old enough to take care of them by yourself and till you found that person that could be the other parent.
In fact from the moment I was officially an adult I went out to find that male. Every male I met I weighed only by that one question: will this be the father of my babies. I haven't really experimented with sex till I was adult even. I didn't have any boyfriends (I won't count that one in kindergarten where we sat in the wigwam at the playground holding hands). I thought kissing was repulsive and would just spread around ugly diseases. You want to stick your tongue in my mouth? Are you crazy? I don't know what you have eaten, there might be germs on that wet flopping thing, go away. You want to have sex with me? Are you nuts? You will so not be the father of my children, so there is absolutely no sense in having sex.
I didn't have to think about what people I was attracted to, I would find a male that could give me babies. So a relationship with a female was out of the whole picture, since clearly two females can't reproduce. None of my relations lasted longer than the time I needed to figure out if I wanted them to be the father (short) and the figuring out if the male was ready to be that father (bit less short). Relation with kiddo father lasted till I found out he would never become a good (from my point course) parent. Then I had apparently added in that the next male had to prove first (to me course) that it would be a good father. And I restarted the hunt. I have never seen kiddo as something that would limit my chances on the big hunting grounds, since I was looking for the next father of my babies (oww babies).
I have really tried to get myself to believe babies were less important to me about 8 years ago, since well, my age (gotta have healthy babies!) and well I might not be the most fit person to actually have children. And then I totally utterly managed to bypass all those rational ideas and quit with birth control forever. Since well, if I know I should not reproduce more, I will just make sure that it might happen! Which course did. Luckily for everyone involved that didn't go so well. But I managed to not learn from that and blissfully didn't start to look for ways to prevent it happening again.
So. Well. I have to make sure that my need for this will not ever create a problem. There is no way I can ever justify getting pregnant again. That I might be able to actually raise another kiddo in some future, should not be part of any consideration in this (I'm so still doing it). I can't have that last minute pregnancy before nature tells me I can't have another baby and then force myself again to make quick fixes. So we went to doc today to have it fixed permanently. All of my waa. All of my sads.
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